thank you for breathing.

❝ Friend

( posted on Thursday, August 10, 2017 @ 10:50 pm )

Reviving this since 2013, cause I need somewhere to vent and complain .
Yup .
But I doubt anyone will see this LOL.

So , definition of friend . How does one define friendship?
By the amount of times spent together ?
By the number of days you meet up with them in a month?
By how much they spend on each other's birthday present?

To me, friends are special. The other half is one, friends are a totally different group.
Friends are people who know the most about you, both good and bad, yet they still stick with you, through thick and thin.
You don't have to meet them every day, but when you meet, the topics are endless.
Sometimes you don't even need them to say, but you know what they want/ is going to say.
They are like you second soulmates next to your spouse, cause for most of them, you'll know them before you know you spouse.
So friends to me are very special.

I'm not someone that is easy to befriend with, or at least that's what I feel.
I can be nice to you, but actually trusting someone is a tough one for me.
So for me to share something that is really personal with you, it'll take years.
Yes, I might have trust issues, but that's cause shit has happened before.

So I have this one 'Friend' , whom I've known for almost a decade.
We were really close before in school, and I deem her as one of my closest friend.
And I don't have that many close friends, less than 5, cause trust issues.
So to me to deem someone as a close friend, it's something, well, at least to me it is.
And then it came to the point where it's almost impossible to meet her up.
I tried to contact, tried to ask her out.
But the reason is always the same (yup, for years).
"I'm broke, next time can?"
"I no money lehh how? "
"I working, next time?"

I mean, I understand we're all busy with work/school.
But to the point where it takes me years to meet someone up, and we only met cause CNY this year everyone came my house, it's a little too much no?

I admit that we drifted apart because of her past relationship, which is a total different story altogether.
But when she asked me out for dinner 2 weeks ago, I thought I saw hope.
Hope that our friendship could be revived and things would be good again.
Sadly, 2 weeks ago my job will killing me, so it was pushed to this week.
So we were suppose to meet tomorrow for dinner. but guess what?
Reasons and excuses came in, again.

Some times I really wonder, is it really worth it?
Am I really that silly enough to think that she'll look for me just to eat dinner?
I was always only called out by her cause something happened.
Boyfriend, Family etc.
Never will she ask me out just because she wants to catch up.
Nope, never.

It disappoints me, but then everything I will still hope to revive that friendship, but I'll always be disappointed.
I'm silly? Probably.
So many friends told me that I should just give up and move on.
I told myself that too, but how do you move on from someone who you deemed as your sister from before?
Someone that you really took care so much that even you blood sister is jealous of (true story though)

I always get upset easily over friendship issues, cause they mean a lot to me.
But I guess not everyone sees friendship as important as I do.

Well, just a post to rant.
Not sure when is the next time I'll post, but I'm glad I kept this blog.
Feels good to be writing here again.

Till then ,

❝ The Changes in life

( posted on Monday, November 25, 2013 @ 10:30 pm )

Yep ,these months have all been about him in the army ,well for us at least .
dead blog here lol .
Getting really lazy these months.
work taking up most part of it.

Been bout 4 months since i started work ...?
It's been ok (?) ,just that have to work between the politics .
tiring shit that is.
oh well, that's the problem when there are humans around LOL .

That's all i wanna say i guess LOL .

Till next time,

❝ Out

( posted on Wednesday, September 18, 2013 @ 4:27 pm )

Working for 3 months. Things have changed.
I'm starting to have the feeling that I am drifting away from my family.
My weekends are spent mostly with boyfriend, so I have little time for home.
But it's so irritating, if i don't, i don't have time for him at all.
Army is such an asshole.
Don't like this feeling of drifting away from my family.
They are my family, the ones i loved most, the ones that will always be there no matter what happens.
I told myself to make more time for them, but cause of my irregular working hours, its so difficult.
Sighhhh

❝ 3 years ,& it all comes to this one day

( posted on Friday, May 17, 2013 @ 11:25 pm )

Im not gonna bother about the photos alignment .
Cause it changed to much that i cant be bothered to figure it out .LOL

Yes ,I've graduated.
From TP, from schools (for now).

Throughout these 3 years, i must say i really learnt a lot of things.
Be it academic, practical or dealing with people.
CCM made me grew, alot.

I almost got into RMT, which i was fine with but, not what I wanted.
So I took my work fren's advice, appealed through DAE.
Got the interview, was freaking nervous.
Still remember the day they called me to say that I got into CCM,
I was jumping outside a class room in HS. I was interviewing the next batch of PLs/PSs LOL.
So here comes my poly life.

I still remember coming in as a small girl,
hoping to slack as much as I could.

Yes ,i dont like to study .

But the time came where you have to work with other people as a group,
and everyone is graded by each other, then I started working hard ,a bit .LOL
Presentation fright was one of my biggest problems.
To the point where I would get mind stuck and stop talking during presentation .

Yup ,thats pretty much Year 1.

Year 2 ,a year no CCM would forget, or want to miss out.
Cause that's where all the fun begins.
We always like to complain, wake up at 4-5am ,reach sch at 7 ,
tiring, grooming difficult to pass etc etc etc.
But at the end of the day, we all know we love those days the best.
Cause that's when we start to bond as a course.
Year 2 for CCM is a very introverted year.
Cause we only keep to ourselves.
I mean, we have a whole building for ourselves.
Go sch at 6, end at 4, stand whole day.
Not many would still have the energy to party.
So yes, introvert year. But best year ever.

Year 3, internship.
I learned alot of my place.
Be it skills or dealing with people, it taught me alot.
It also showed me how the real world looks like.
Not all of it, but most of it.
Cause they'll usually treat interns nicer, hoping that we'll go back to work.
That's when they'll chop and mince u up. LOL.

3.2, the final semester.
It sucks, cause you've been dealing with knives and cuts for half a year, now its back to pen and paper -.- .
I could really get my pace back for the first lik ,2 months?
I wouldnt say i have the best class, but I have the best groupmates ever.
We're all the same pattern, play ,do work ,eat ,play ,do work, play ,play ,do work ,go home.
So we very gam ho. I mean, its really hard to find good group mates at ur last sem,
cause everyone starts to choose people they wanna work with.
The better ones, of course.
My group, well, different uh.
We dont just dive in ,do work, and go home.
We joke, play, have HTHT, gossip etc.
It's fun, really fun.
Hence I really enjoyed my last sem in school.
FYP was another significant event in TP, for CCM.
We plan, organise and run a whole event by ourselves.
Tell me that's not shiok.
I personally feel that that event bonded us back together again.
I was really happy working that day, no regrets or anything grumbles.
The feeling of everyone being together and working together again, just feels so good.
But then again, there wont be another time. Anymore.

And that ends my 3 years in TP.
From a small girl, to a lady that is preparing to move to the social university,
or I would prefer to call, reality.

Not all of them will see this, but still :-

Daddy, mummy, Thank you.
Not just for the money (LOL).
But for trusting me ,and letting me choose this course, despite daddy nagging about it till today.
For understanding my crazy working hours in this industry.
I will make time for family even when I start full time.
I promise.

Baby boy, yes, you're next.
I wouldn't say we've been through the thickest and thinnest of life.
But what we've gone through is enough for our relationship to be stable. Or at least I feel so.
CCM let me know you, be friends with you, understand you, got together with you.
Till today, I still believe it's fated, from DAE, when we're sitting beside each other while being baked by Mr Goh.
Thank you, for coming to my life, and brighten it up.
Our coming path will be tough, me working, u in army.
But we can pull it through =].
We've got plans to follow yo!

I love you baby.

To all my CCM coursemates.
I believe non of them will see this, but still.
CCM would not be CCM without you guys.
Our characters might not all fit well, but when the time comes,
we can always work together as one CCM and stun the whole world.
Rock on people, see you guys in the near future =]

7W .Yes ,you girls.
My pillars of support.
Its awesome how little we meet each other, we can still stay this strong.
We can have disputes and stuff, but at the end of the day, when one is upset,
the rest will know how/ what to do to make her feel better.
We might all be separated in different schools, but it doesnt make us feel any further away from each other.
Cause frankly, we still live quite near LOL.
Not so when I move to Fernvale next year though ='[ .
My girls, we'll be moving to our own paths soon.
Work or studies, we'll meet up lesser and lesser.
But I still hope that our friendship stays strong.
I need 6 bridesmaid for my wedding =] . (well, 7, cause i got a sister).

I love my girls.

Alvin, Amanda, Ghimmy.
Guys ,we really need to meet up more often.
Our last official meet up was X'mas 0..0 .

Amanda, study hard.
One more year to go, life's not easy, but dun get taken down by it.
Challenge it and beat it down.
I believe you can do it =] .
Im always around if u need a pair of ears to listen to.

Alvin, all the best for intern boy!
If not go OSIP, tell me where you going, I wanna go visit heehee .
Work hard, study hard. (dont need tell you play hard one luh).
One more year, then it's my turn to go find you take photo le.

Ghimmy, Bro, we seemed to have lost contact since your internship.
Meet up soon yea ? Or at least before you get into army.
Not first time see u botak, but no harm seeing more heehee.
If you still remember, 21st uhhh =] .

That's all I guess.
Need to sleep, working tmr T__T.

Sorry for my VERY VERY lack of updates.
I'll try my best >..<

Till then,

Bye

❝ Stuck

( posted on Wednesday, May 01, 2013 @ 8:31 pm )

I don't think im the only one that feels this .
The feeling of being stuck in between 2 things/people ,and the kinda pressure you feel .
Do this, that not happy. Do that ,the other one not happy .
Yea, it sucks.
I came across this quote saying :

Life is simple .Humans complicate things.

Yea, I totally agree.
It really sucks when you get stuck between 2 people that matters to you .
And when you listen to either side, the other party would be upset.
AND, they are not upset at each other, they'll be upset at you ,because they don't know/realise
that the other party is the one that wanted that decision/choice, not you.
And then who will be the one that get blamed for everything?
Yea, you .
Just because you get stuck in between, means whatever you do, it'll always be wrong in either side's eyes.
And then the kinda pressure you feel, it seriously sucks.
To the point where you just wanna do things your way, and your way ONLY

Then people will start asking ,
'So in the first place ,why do you wanna listen to the others? '
'Shouldn't you make your decisions yourself?'

Well I would, if I was who I was 4 years ago.
I couldn't be bothered, i'll just do things my way.
But when I do that, things happen.
People don't like what I do, start to judge etc etc ...
At least, it happened before.
So I started to listen to advises before I do things.
And then? I have to heed everyone's advice before I can do something,
if not people would start to get unhappy.

Yea, if it was 4 years ago, i would have said
'You dont like ,not my prob. It's my decision, I make it.'

Things change over the years, too much changes.

Fuck this society.
Every decision you make, there'll sure to be people that is unhappy about.
Be it your friends, family or loved ones.
Sure will .

I wished I still had my fucked care attitude.
Then things would have been so much easier.